d day

Time ticked so ever hastily, it was confusing, previously for 5 days a week I'd wish it'll tick faster, longing the weekend to come and tried my best to never let the weekend go to waste. Later I was in a state of contradiction.. I didn't want the days to come quickly as I knew yesterdays date would come and my life as I know it will change.

It has now been 7 hours since you waved goodbye. In another 5 hours hopefully I'd hear from you again. Last night I stared at the ceiling for the longest time. Finding an emotional balance within.

Dear I hope everything will be ok. take care of youself and come back soon ;(

dear

its only been 3 days but i've already started looking through all your pictures. countless envious stares i give to the couples i've walked past.

i miss you dear already. :(

i write rants. so deal with it.

i'm sorry if i dont write much. at the moment i'm struggling to find time to juggle work play family etc. it does take some effort to put thoughts to words and as always, some thoughts are better left unwritten.

today a there was a thread email from my friends complaining that they were dozing off at work. drained of most energy but as we all need to work to make ends meet. waited and bobbed their heads every 5 mins whilst looking at the clock, just waiting for it to hit 5 sharp.

another was stating due to the nature of work and her body's condition (naturally suffers from low sugar in blood), she's thinking of purchasing glucose and taking it so she has enough energy to do work and not faint during work.

i too have my fair share of sacrificing body and mind for work. but there are times when i do ponder on the limit we should sacrifice for work.

after a few months on the job, i've made up mind that eventhough the nature of the work requires you to stay back and complete everything as soon as possible. my body cannot commit itself let alone my other responsibility to my family and loved ones. moments when i just couldnt be fucked to wait any longer in the office, i just do as much as i can and bugger off.

but we are all lambs to the career wolf.

putting limb after limb to please ourselves and bosses in order to get that bigger paycheque.

life's a total bitch from what it truly is.

never have i seen so many of my colleagues turn into a different person all together on the weekend. weekdays, hiding their faces behind their cubicle. but on weekends, shooting off to faraway islands for scuba diving, mountain climbing, roadtrips, outings, all of which contains the term sweat and body aches.

has it come to a point where every weekend should be treated as a glorified holiday.

often people confess, look for a job which is your passion, your liking and you'll never regret it. i disagree, stating what you find most passionate and like most will turn into your most hated. so long as its under the term 'work' and it pays you at the end of the month.

end.

cny 2010

happy chinese new year people.

as i try to revamp this blog, the more i find it more difficult. words are harder to come out and by the looks of it. defineatly my writing has gone for the worst. haha. i guess it happens when you've stop reading books for so long and even longer at blogging.

guess a lot has happen in the past year.

potentially, you should probably see a lot more posts towards the end of this month as my significant other will be in UK by then and demands me to blog more often for her.

so her wish is my command with the hopes that she will do so too. :)

anyways, it is already 2.45am and i plan to wake up tomorrow in hopes for a good jog since it has already been a week since my last quick run. i have after all gone super fat since last time. heh heh.

personal revelation

cometh 2 weeks then i have successfully spent 6 months of my life basking in the epic glory of being a bum.

whilst my plans of employment have failed me brilliantly. i must admit that life has its way of surprising you when you least expect it. i have in my glorious free time improved my health slightly and then damaged it again by evolving into a large muffin.

yes. i've grown fat. double chins and the juice fats that oozes out to the sides or love handles you call it.

though my other half might disagree by stating that my new found glorious shape (actually i was fat before, pfah anyways) is cute and cuddly.

ah yes.. or the saying goes, chubbyness which only your wife could love.

perhaps i'm exaggerating, yet since this is my revelation in my blog. i can basically say what i want and well.. dont care less. hardy har harr.

so, apart from turning into a muffin. i have reciprocate the affection which i have missed during my 2 years abroad with my fellow soldiers aka niece and nephew. might i add that being an uncle is hard.

i find it absolutely amazing the fact that a kids mind is like a sponge which absorbs everything. 20 minute session teaching MS Paint to a 7 year old and after an hour a tiny Picasso is born!

okay maybe not.

then again, when a 7 year old starts questioning every thing you do. then at some points it does get a lil annoying. which i later developed a habit of gentle nudging so that they'll go away and question other people.

HEEHEE! >:)

anyways, work wise, well i cant say that i've been too keen in applying for jobs. especially when you've already covered all the decent companies. but somehow like i've mentioned things have a way of turning out right.

after i stopped applying for a month and a half due to my frustration to some parties. i received a call from a company which i went for the interview. i agreed and went for the preliminary medical and what not.. and was due to start in 2 weeks.

a week past and suddenly another call came in offering me another position. this time being a totally different position and well.. more pay, bigger company. tralalala. my choice was quite obvious.

so now, i'm down to my last few days of being unemployed. awaiting the start of a new chapter in my life.

which i hope to lose my muffin like body.

and be successful.

and now, i've lost the plot and have no idea on what else to write. so i'll leave it here.

hopefully after some more picture posts i'll again rant about.. something.

peace.
bye.

rawr

hurm. of late i've been uber relaxed and taking for granted my free time. i havent been reading as much since the past 2 year or so. which i feel is the something left out in my daily routine. though i spend some significant hours in front of my laptop browsing the internet, the internet isnt exactly the best source for reads.

yes there are millions or infinite amount of reading materials but the internet will never beat the good ol browned paged book. there is no joy of sitting back on a comfy couch and diving into the computer screen.

book! that is where the actual joy are.

so .. i hope with this post. *cough ambitious effort* i'll try and finish up the tonnes of book lying around in my room.

the list goes;

novels;

trudi canavan - last of the wilds (70% but still cant finish that 30% .. i know. ugh. i disgust myself)

ian irvine quadruple pack which i only have 3. so consider it a trilogy. ;p

factuals;

s.husin ali's - the malays, their problem and future

self help;

adam eason's - the secret of self hypnosis

so there. hopefully, with this 'current' ambition of reading. i'll start reading again. hahaha.

we'll just see what happens. cus my english has gotten worse and worse over the years.

forgive me

forgive me for i must whine,
of my life's endeavours and current fate,
distraught and complexed be the current theme,
so perplexed that i wish to digress,
into happy thoughts of dreams.

i think theres a common theme going on of late,
its called depressed beyond repair.
seems to me like when the shit hits the fan,
theres no turning back,
i try to put my head in a calm place,
believing that i made the right decisions,
yet day by day new trials come up,
confusing and making things even worse.

i have yet to get a job after 4 months.
i am not in the best of health.
and today, my knee has made me aware of its condition.
that i maybe have to stop playing football.
perhaps i should be thankful that i can still walk?

but the agony of it. argh.

at the age of 24? god damn it.
24 damnit 24.
why dont i feel the luxury of being 24?
24 with a stable job, a car, a gf, peak of my health and on the verge of acquiring my first property?

truth is.
24, broke, back issue, knee issue, living with parents, using parents car.

tralala.

so tell me, how exactly am i suppose to smile when i wake up?

UK: Scammers!

friends in UK, i'd like to share a tale with you guys about subscription scams which occurs when dealing with online transaction (which we all do during our free time).

previously, some of you might of heard about the issue with dilla's makeup order. well heres a more detailed story about it.

last summer dilla visited sheercover's website and saw a discounted makeup set which was just a steal. alas she didnt have a credit card and slowly nudged her way to my side and said in the most kind voice.. asking if she could use my credit card to purchase the make up for her which she'll later credit my bank account.

i said ok and soon enough the item arrived.

then came the time where the earth tore into two. she had to leave for malaysia and i was devastated.. alalala.

so whilst i'm banging my head trying to figure out my post-life in UK without the missus i checked my bank accounts and discovered that i was charged £65.99 for something which i didnt buy.

annoyed and confused as it was a time where you probably could say i was having my own economic recession. i rang up mastercard to find out what and why i was charged.

apparently it was sheercover and whilst the operator thought that answer was suffice, nay. i explained to him, sorry i emphasized that i was a alpha male and US MALE's DO NOT WEAR BLOODY MAKE UP.

he then confirmed his trust that i was indeed an ALPHA MALE and neednt makeup to look good.

(that was a joke btw if u didnt get it. oh nvm.. -_-" )

so as i rung up sheercover, they explained to me that right before the missus clicked the "CHECKOUT" button there was a small green statement stating that with this order, i agreed to a every 2 month subscription of Sheercover makeup DELUXE PACKAGE.

blardee bollocks.

so seeing that i was at fault here, i couldnt whine as much and basically pleaded guilty(take my money la.. nah nah amik.. ) and enquired on how i to cancel the subscription.

heres the stupid bit.

'mr suff, you will need to send an email to sheercover europe with the details of your transaction and they will cancel your order'

fair enough i did that.

however, i didnt receive a confirmation email.

so i sent another email.

still no confirmation email.

confirm scam. babi.

jen je jengg.. 2 months on.. another transaction was made. but this time they emailed the invoice. i quickly rang them up stating how pissed i was since i've already sent the email as told and did not receive a confirmation email.

they appologised rather insincerely and just said more less like 'okie dokie sir, we'll take care of it. no more subscription for you'

then i asked, since you've just invoiced me the order, can you refund my money?

'sorry sir, by the time you received the invoice, the item has already been processed and will arrive shortly. but if you could please send back the item we'd gladly refund your money'

MMM YEP. SUREEEEEE..

which comes to my latest story..

PEOPLE OF UK..

DO NOT PURCHASE ITEMS FROM REDSAVE.COM

why?

because they, like sheercover scams you into subscribing to them monthly.

haiyo!

again kene cas.

free free this time monthly £19.90.

babisialanakuharapkobangkrap!

okthxbye.

i hate wednesday

pardon me for the lack of updates .. and for this post which i'll say now is an emo post with nothing but pathetic rants. so if you want to read happy-hapy things, stay tuned for maybe next week. sorry.

-

i woke up today with somewhat of yesterday's migrain. a bad start to ones day as i popped some paracetamols to ease the pulsating nausea feeling. migrains are purely a pain and absolute annoyance to one as it makes you unable to do anything.

so i sat in front of my laptop, watching last nights leftover movies.

feeling better, i decided to take a stroll outside.. to town.

sigh

here i am again, at the same alley, the same road, the same shops and browsing for moreless the same things for the past 3 years. it drizzled and weather was cold, what else can i say for november weather in uk.

perhaps its just today, that i feel exhausted. unmotivated from the start with the migrains.

i feel like i'm back at where i was last semester, unmotivated in winter.

seriously, i would blame the weather.

recap to the past few nights, when i was frustrated since i was unable to do my work. mindblocked or hitting a brick wall, whichever is your fancy. i took time off and decided to rekindle whatever friendship i have left with people back in malaysia. sending short messages via messenger to ask how they are.

but as with each friend, the main question they would as are;

'where are you now?'
'are you back in malaysia?'

perhaps i am being oversensitive, but those questions seemed like insults, eventhough i know these people mean no malice nor harm.

i reply them by saying;

'i'm still in uk, unfortunately.'

explaining why exactly have i stayed back for, often they reply by saying;

'thats not too bad, bet your enjoying your time there and not wanting to come back..'

how i wished this was true.

june 2008 was my target, my dateline, my limit.

i counted down each moment till that month.

being here, after that dateline .. is just agony.

'you should look for work there, earn loads of cash', they say.

it does sound great, like finding proper experience from international companies, earning in pounds, WOW thats like x 5.6 even with the recession. its still alot of money !

but i just cannot.

fatigued, burntout.

i want the sun to be out 12 hours a day, i want to whine about the heat and waste time hanging out in the local mamaks. to be able to eat whatever and whenever. curse aloud at the next driver for cutting que's. last but not least, bask in the ambience of a chaotic household where lil ones run riot which i call home.

i truly blame the weather.

where is the warmth when you need it.

please god, let me finish this time.

i cannot stand the cold, this loneliness, the severe financial insecurity.

-

let me be.

its just another cold wednesday.

tomorrow pray let there be sun.

tra

whe money flows like water

you'd see in movies about how a system the more sophisticated it becomes, more people depend on it and later when the system messes up. everyone is literally screwed.

how true.. how true.

o2 has magnificently charged me 224 pounds last month when their not supposed to. knowing of their fault they assured me that they were going to credit my account of the charges they've made.

come 17th they deducted the money.

however, as i religiously monitor my account through their website.

i dont see my account being credited.

frustrated i called them up again.

only then did they realize of the 'oh we havent credited your account' yet.

'we'd gladly do so, but for only 40 pounds'

bloody fucking bollocks.

what the hell happened to the remaining 25 pounds which i calculated myself is supposed to be refunded back as well?

you've already fucking charged me 224 pounds of which 39 pounds went to VAT.

38 pounds for internet which was fucking free.

and another 25 pounds for calls which was also inclusive of my 1200 minute tariff.

only 41 pounds now?

sure help yourself to my wallet.

i have tonnes more now from where that came from..

it has become quite clear how these people take money from you instanteneously! but nay, we cannot give it back.. for the system does not permit us.

you money is our money, but our money is our money.

half my mind was set on smashing my phone.

the other thinkin of cancelling my direct debit.

maybe if it was like the ol system where u pay by hand. then they'd be scared.

what? fucking 200 quid extra? bollocks. u pay it urself.

p/s: sorry for the curses

bitterness

emptying all the contents of the leftovers boxers i found a dvd containing videos from seniors.

as i popped it in my laptop it contained graduation video's of the previous seniors whom all are now mostly working back in malaysia.

pretty faces of joy and laughter filled the atmostphere .. knowing that their path has converged into a new junction of their lives. the path of a working individual.

i wasnt around for my supposed graduation. knowing that it was too painful to bear.

fellow friends and colleageus alike all dawned in black robes with blue stripes in the most joyest of festives.

yet i was away.

i locked up my frail and unstable emotions. shielded by the faith and support of my parents.

i was not around to see her walk up the stage and be awarded her degree. eventhough at heart i knew it was one of the few significant moments in ones life. i closed the door to festivities. i locked it and sealed it tight.

remembering a few days later when all of whom published their momentus photo's on their social-network websites. i refused my curious hand, i didnt view their pictures. understanding my pain, she hid her photos of her celebration and did not mention anything about it.

the lowest of lows.

as she hid her dress which was tailored specifically for that occasion. i only saw it in her closet.

bitterness is what still fills me when i remember or stumble on video's or pictures like these.

i vowed not to go for my own graduation for my time of celebration has passed. why should i celebrate the final day of being unfairly treated ? to shake the hand of a person who know not of the sacrifices and heartache i've beared. whilst he smile at me and say congratulations.

nay.

i rather celebrate with the ones whom supported me most. ones who believe in me and not rob me blindly.

i could not stop the feeling of bitterness, for too many promises have been broken since.

a promise to return home.

a promise to work and contribute.

a promise to not slack up and let down the hopes of the ones you love.

today another promise was broken. as i felt distraught, i know that i was to be blamed and no one else. i was suppose to be back at home. i was suppose to be there.

so long as i still stay in this place, is it wrong for me to ridicule myself ? knowing my bruises will heal yet the scars will stay forever to remind me what not to do in life.

not to fail ever again.

shitty laptop

its annoying when you pay so much for a product yet it always mucks up and has some problem. you'd expect that with that price, that product has been tested VIGOROUSLY NUMEROUS times and its quality is top notch for that price.

but no.

currently i'm using a HP DV9030ea laptop which i bought in january 2007.



i was taken aback for its specifications and its really nice 17" widescreen. and mind you i paid good money for it. an astonishing £964 which i thought was a sound investment since i normally use my pc to do most of my things; internet, games, photoshop, programming and everything.

but my was i wrong about that.

todays tip: NEVER BUY HP

the product itself was sleek and was easy on the eyes. but it always had some itty-bitty problem which just annoys the hell out of you.

first it was the adaptor which couldnt be fasten tight. so it kept coming off and shutting off the pc completely since i normally dont plug in my battery. a nice knock on the table accidentally would just shut off the pc.

i was annoyed. so i called up the warranty service and they said that theyd take my laptop and return it within 2 weeks.

and mind you this was last year where i NEEEDED MY LAPTOP TO DO MY PROJECT TIME.

it took them a MONTH.

1 WEEK to get the laptop from me
1 WEEK to run DIAGNOSTICS
1 WEEK to wait for PARTS
1 WEEK to SEND it back to me

brilliant.

to top it off, when i got back my laptop. all they've changed was the ADAPTOR.

JUST THE BLOODY ADAPTOR.

so that was that.

until yesterday.

i came home yesterday and switched on my pc. only to find that its not detecting the wifi network or even the wifi. feeling slightly pissed but i had some thoughts of formatting my pc for some time now so i thought ok fine. why not now.

formatted.

updated drivers.

still no wifi.

installed vista.

still no wifi.

HP's website wasnt all too helpful either.

finally, i found this;

"HP has identified a hardware issue with certain HP Pavilion dv2000/dv6000/dv9000 and Compaq Presario V3000/V6000 series notebook PCs, and has also released a new BIOS for these notebook PCs, version F.39 for dv2000/V3000, and version F.3D for dv6000/dv9000/V6000.
If you own an HP Pavilion dv2000, HP Pavilion dv6000, HP Pavilion dv9000 or Compaq Presario V3000, Compaq Presario V6000 series computer, are experiencing no symptoms on your computer, and would like to obtain more information about updating your system to the new BIOS release, please go to the "Update the BIOS to the latest version" section on this page. If you are experiencing one or more symptoms listed below, and your computer meets the product criteria listed below, contact HP to determine whether you are eligible for a free repair."
taken from HP's website.

OH MY GOOOOOD!

arghhhhhh!!

lalalayadayadayada..

"Service
After HP receive your notebook PC, HP will use its best efforts to repair your notebook within 10 to 14 business days, depending on your region."

not this shit again. no bloody way !

so now i've definitely made up my mind of selling this stupid laptop when i finish my work. without any hesitations infact.

for now i'll just stick to LAN cables cus obviously such a 'POWERFUL' pc dont have WIFI!

on my wall

its been 2 days now since i've officially moved into my new house. i'm terribly sorry but i havent had time to take a video of the house. i promise i'll post up a tour of the whole house soon.

uni started today. unlike most students i dont have any classes. i just have my project left to do *grumble-grumble*. so i only went to uni for break fast and came back. but tomorrow it'll be a busy day. gotta sort out some things with the registry and department and other things.

time to get a new routine.

cus obviously, the holiday routine doesnt work anymore ! :D

below is a picture of my bedside wall. just something to keep me motivated to finish this off once and for all.



i call it my wall of tribute/ motivation.

:)

hope you like it dilla.

still havent received the pictures yet from my friend. so its gonna take a while. bear wit me :)

was bloghopping earlier on, found this song. felt it had this really soothing effect.



the audio is a lil soft. really sorry abt that. a better quality vid didnt allow me to embed it.

:)

will be heading down to london later today.. dont plan to spend on anything though. just to meet some people.

suci

putih.

sesuci warna putih.

pertama kalinya ku tak terkata dan diriku hanya mampu merenung.

kejelitaan yang sebelum ini tak pernah ku sangka hadir di depan mataku.

terserlah sebentar tadi.

ku menjadi kaku.

tak bisa mengeluarkan kata-kata lain hanya, 'cantik..'

dia tertawa menyangkakan kataku itu satu sindiran.

tapi akan ku simpan gambaran kejelitaan itu di minda ku buat selamanya.

ku pasti, jika sebelum ini dia sememangnya jelita tapi pabila bertutupkan seperti tadi, terhilang kata-kataku..

ianya seandai ku terjumpa segala yang ku cari selama ini di dalam dirinya.

pertama

ku mengerti diriku ini tidak sempurna;
buat pertama kalinya akan ku tuliskan dalam blog ini rangkapan fikiranku di dalam bahasa asalku,
ku mengerti ianya bukanlah yang terbaik seperti orang sering sangkakan,
bahasaku ini hanya biasa, tidak pun memalukan bagi diri seseorang sepertiku ini,
ku pelik melihat diriku sejak kebelakangan ini,
tidak seperti biasa,

telah terbukti yang diriku ini seorang yang tabah,
tapi apakan daya pabila diriku ini telah mencuba sedaya upaya,
namun apa yang ku berusaha tidak berjaya,
ku memaksa diriku supaya tabah,
tabah menempuh cabaran yang tidak lama akan habis,
tapi kelihatan seperti ianya takkan terhenti,

ku melayan diriku memikirkan masa depan ku,
sesuatu yang dulunya ku sering lakukan,
merancang dan menetapkan misi-misi hidupku,
mengatur langkah agar ku menjadi seseorang yang berjaya,
menjadi kebanggaan ibu-bapa serta keluarga,

rangkapan ini bukannya petanda yang ku telah putus asa,
hanya peringatan bagi hari akan datang,
betapa peritnya dugaan yang telah ku lalui untuk mencapai sesuatu,
sesuatu yang tidak tersangka begitu susah,
ku berasa duka,
pabila ditampar oleh kenyataan,
yang ku ini hanyalah seorang biasa,
tidak sehebat mereka,

ku juga ingin merasa betapa manisnya kejayaan itu,
seperti kejayaan ku pada tahun 2005,
begitu manis sekali rasanya,
ku telah berusaha,
sepenuh hati, sekuat daya,
tapi apakan daya..

ku berpegang pada potensi diriku,
yang ku juga mampu,
tambahan pula kesungguhan mu untuk melihat ku berjaya,
ku berusaha lagi,
mengubah diriku agar ku kelihatan kental, gagah perkasa,
walaupun realitinya ku ini hanyalah seorang yang sangat kecil,
kaulah kekuatanku,
janganlah kau sesekali pergi dari diriku,

di saat-saat seperti inilah yang ku paling memerlukan mu,
ku tidak mampu berdiri keseorangan menempuh dugaan hidup ini,
namun lidahku ini tidak mengerti kelembutan,
melukakan hatimu dengan kata-kataku,
melihat dirimu memaling dari diriku adalah penyeksaan yang paling perit,
ku mengaku kebodohan diriku,
akan ku cuba mengubah diriku supaya tidak sebegini lagi,
ku pinta kau sabar,

kerna ku memerlukanmu dalam hidupku,
ku rayu padamu..
janganlah tinggalkan ku..

at this moment.

2005 was a great year for me. it was a year of achievements and success, academically and personally. i finished that year longing for a bigger more demanding challenge. something which would literally put me on the edge of my seat and develop me on a personal level to a more mature and professional individual.

the start of 2006 was slow yet it proved to be something worthy of what i searched for. though most of the time the work was informal, from the dress code to the some-time-not-exactly-from-the-book actions, i learned a lot. my mentor was a great person, he showed me the knitty-gritty works of the professional world and what it takes to survive at that level. it was sheer determination and patience (some tongue-twisting required). the work was tremendous and sometimes a wee bit overboard, nearing the end i lost my footing and stumbled for a bit. but i learned a lot, i was reluctant to depart yet i knew that it was for the better part of my individual character building. not to mention, my parents would kill me if i decided not to pursue my degree.

parental guidance. a text-book to my being. it had all the steps needed to be great. though i hardly followed their steps willingly, partially i am still a carbon copy of them. i carved my own path, choosing the harder path, more rigid and not entirely the best of choices. setting a final goal in life to be as equally successful as they are, i pushed myself.

settling down in a different country was demanding, with an academic goal which required so much it is the biggest challenge so far. yet apart from that one main goal, i had my agenda's. it made life even harder. it has always seemed like life was never gonna be easy for me. if it wasnt one thing, it was always the other.

never wanting to have just a taste of one thing, i diversified myself. dipping my toes in as much as possible i wanted to be an individual who could do everything. but realizing that i've always subconsciously put myself in a situation where i've had to push beyond my current capabilities. too often wanting to have a taste of that greater success. i slumped.

yesterday was a testament for which a company actually gave me back my CV saying i am too general. very unprofessional but still .. nonchalantly walking away i was lost for words inside.

they say that for every hardwork it will be paid back in the future. but its already been too long..

im tired.


time to just ride the wave and see where the tide brings me.

perhaps now i will try to live for the present and not worry so much about the future.

tired..

i'm tired of opening my wallet to see only paper receipts and id cards.
i'm tired of checking my balance to see such a depressing number.
i hate calculating all my bills and knowing how big of a hole i have in my pockets.
i long for the day when i can spend my money without care.

ugh!

when will i be rich!

bye.

constructive criticism

been busy trying to juggle things about.

ugh.

realized this morning of how im always playing catch up. bad habit. really. but really, its not like i want to be this way. heh. :P

anyways, i always find it really nerve wrecking when i step into my supervisors office. the moment i step foot into the building, the smell of the carpet hits me and i start to get nervous. getting feedback on my report, he said he wasnt pleased. that i was more less mumbling in it.

so i explained myself, i was playing it safe. scared of putting too much detail that if questioned i'd stutter.

which i did.

he explained again the theories for like the 80th(exaggerated ;p) time or something.. all of which i already know and have a clear cut picture of but just cant seem to put it into words when questioned.

i felt foolish. i felt like i was back in school again.

but he was supportive this time around. which i am happy to know, giving feedback of what i must do(though half of em i am already doing).. its constructive.

its already feb, i have jitters about how all if this would turn up. keeps me up at night some nights. but i am confident, i will make it.

this time around, its not the depressive peer pressure. but more of a 'i've alot of ground to cover but i know there are people to support me through..'

so perhaps its because i lack of self belief which dampens my success level..

fear not mother and father!

whilst i let out a roar of courage(sounds more like a meow if u ask me). i have found what i was missing last time around. only thing left is..

'bile laa duit mara nk masuk ni weii.....'

i need more timeeeeeee

if i could ask for anything at this moment, i'd ask for more time.

i'd want 36 hours in a day and that theres 9 days in a week. cus honestly, there just isnt enough time!

kudo's to all of em who've studied overseas and managed their time so efficiently that they can slot in all kinds of fun stuff like traveling, shopping and not screw up their studies. thats some really tough act to follow!

perhaps 2 years abroad isnt enough for me to do all things i wanted to do..

but i'm already tired of living this daily routine. the honest fact is, i've lost half the motivation i had when i first arrived here.

however i did find a different form of motivation to push me all the way to the finish line. so fret not, i'll definitely not screw up. badly. that is :P okay okay, i wont screw up. i cant screw up and i wont !

i am at the part of my life where i wanna slow things down, pause time for a minute or two. enjoy what i have and probably take that minute to think fully.

at this very point, i think the tables have turned and life is no longer,
'50% planning 50% up to god'. tis now '40% planning 60% up to god!'

though i seem quite relaxed now, i know in a few weeks time i'll be so swamped with assignments and everything else.. i doubt i can even see my head in all that mess. :P i definitely hate the calm before the storm. its like riding on the rollercoaster and your about to reach the peak just before the drop.

which in reality i'd just raise my hand and go

wheeeeeee..!

and enjoy the ride. which i hope aint too bumpy nor to winding. :D