bitches

dont you get annoyed when you smell hypocrisy in the air. you cant deny that sometimes people are just plain hypocrits but the fact that they show such distain feeling on such matters. makes u feel sick to your stomach. its idiocy and it ticks me off. do you not make a total fool out of urself by doing such things. yet u give stupid remarks about how 'times have changed' or 'its a different situation now'. how fucking different can it be. you fucking twat sucking whore with nipples shaped of a mutated grape.

i had to refrain myself completely from making u look like a total moron. the idea's of seeing u fall flat on ur face with tears running down ur face making the letters spelling out 's k a n k', is sometimes too compelling. again i had to refrain myself from letting this hate overwhelm my rationality. with shackled arms and legs, my torso still leaps at each chance of seeing u fall.

i loath at the very thought of you.

yet everytime i do, my mind wonders each and every aspect of making u fall. though i do not see any benefits of any physicality. i want u to feel the pain, to suffer at each twist and squirm like a wretched being that you are. you've done me shame which surpasses the limit i'm willing to forgive. pray that i forget my plans and one day let this one pass.

i hold a grudge against you and all your kind.

have a nice day.

electrical

for the first time in my life i'm actually having trouble being the favoured student. i'm still awe by the fact that any lecturer would even rate me as an excellent student. but for the price of all that glamour u might say is lots of fucking work. because they presumed that i am one of th best, i now have to make an extra double-triple efforts in most of my work and strive to get that assy distinction in all majors. make things worst, if you do miss their class, they'd be asking for your whereabouts first. in other words, i cant bloody skip most of my classes either now. fuck!

i left quite an impression on my microprocessor lecturer on tuesdays class. he said i could go far in that major if i wanted to, i myself believe i could but its too tiring to make programs using asm language. maybe i'll reconsider it sometime later. he's now very willing to help out with my final project program for PWM. weeee~!

*snickers*

thats what we call buttering up the bread. haha. he said that this semester, there is no examination for microprocessor, only projects. which is bloody awesome, cus i'd fail with flying colors if its on paper. now that means i have an extra 2 projects to build and finish this semester.

hrm. aiseh.

i think i can manage since both of it is just mostly programming. easy shit for me. thehee.

as for my final project, well as planned i went down to MFI to build the mother fucking chassis and as i suspected, the parts i got didnt match thus i needed to find me parts that fucking fit. not to mention finish buying other parts as soon as possible. meaning by next week? so i had to withdraw more money for the parts. went all about kajang looking for 3 identical proton wira power window. managed to only get 2, 1 more left. will be looking for it later.

the bright side is that the lecturer said my design for the chasis is rubbish, he's gonna make me a nicer one which'll look like a car. woot! thats marvelous news. i just cant wait to see the outcome. the chasis is made of aluminium and the actual price for aluminium that size is a few hundred, i got it for free. *smiles from cheek to cheek*

so right after all this mechanical parts is finished, all thats left is gonna be the circuit and program. i'll be writing the program a little later today. just a basic one for now. the full program is gonna be arsed long and complex. long week to come.

i've pulled every single string i have to get resources. not to mention every ounce of energy and money spent so far its uncountable. i cant wait to see the final product.

all this just because of being favoured by lecturers.

try telling me this few years back. heh.

-

im already feeling exhausted and burnt a lil and my night classes for CISCO havent even commenced yet. i just hope i can hang on for as long as possible and not crack at the very last minute. i'm already running short of cash, if i start to lose sleep soon then i guess i'll be wearing my drugger look all over again. the cycle of madness continues.

oh yea.

will be going down to ou later to get a new shirt. i need a new flashy classy shirt for my interview assesment and future interviews to come.

laters.

sectumsempra!

i finished reading the latest harry potter yesternight. 600+ pages worth of wizardly and goth like fashion. i enjoyed the how the story progressed. jk rowling did a good job at it as the if u read previous harry potter books. you'd actually see how harry potter's character has matured and for the first time, kissed. that plus a few extra blood here and there.

harry's finally a grown man.

but i now wonder if the story slowly progresses with harry getting more and more matured. would jk rowling still have it as a children's book? hrm.

all that fantasy and flying has ended. i am now deprived of reading material. i got another book at home, but the idea of reading something so detailed makes my head heavy. bleah.

good thing though i finished my book. now i can actually concentrate on my work and project. fucking bastards at the academic department tot it'll be fun to have a final project contest. so now the dateline's being brought forward. fucking 4 weeks in advance from its proposed date. which means. that...

i have another fucking 7 weeks left before the dateline. screwed i tell ya. screwed from all angles..

out of desperation with the clock ticking against me, i turned to me daddy for help and heh well, he called up a few friends of his. thus, on friday i's got an appointment with a welding and manufacturing lecturer. i'm gonna fucking weld myself a robot chassis. fuck yea u heard me. with aluminium as its material, its gonna be fucken light and massive to boot.

i sometimes ponder, what exactly am i studying. telecommunications engineering? or electronics/electrical/manufacturing/project/software or some jumbled up shit and call it a HnD.

oh i can just feel the stress slowly creeping in.

the content

past few days, i've been reading alot. from books to blogs to shitty articles about how to grow some greenish shit. god help that i've forgotten most of the details about that greenish shit. anyways. i've noticed that some people really do let out in their blog. where as others just simply blog on things they want people to know about. tis a question of security as how far u want to be open.

i'm not sure actually about myself. as most of the time i dont relaly know what to write about, noticibly most of my blogs consist of work/ stress/ crappy shit that goes around in my daily life. its pretty much the same with most people. the only difference is how they let out, or how the context is being retold. some people are really emo about they stories while the most of us tell it in a dull manner. well again, it depends on the owner.

my mom's first remark when i told her about my blog was;

'now the whole world is gonna know about your weakness!'

half of that is true, but the fact is. we as human's have the yearning to be heard, to be attented to, most of all we in general want attention. we're not made to live alone. so weakness or not, i've not lied about who i am on my blog. i curse and whine like any other average bloke you find on the street.

there was a heated arguement about the extent of the context of a blog. about sex is sometimes abit too much to post about. then again, as an outcome of the massmedia which surrounds us. sex, death and corruption is what makes our eyes squint to get a closer look. if u had to choose between reading an article about sex or about the stock exchange going up. which would you read? well unless ur job is to look over the forex then. bugger off.

fact is, most of us are afraid to tell about our deep dark secrets. where as some others simply tell its tale like any other monday morning breakfast story. i for one hate keeping secrets, thus i tend to open up moreless to everyone i know. i would rather live a life unafraid of my weaknesses and willing to ask a helping hand from others, then living alone afraid of what the world would think.

people around the world become hypocrites of their own words as often as ur heart beats.

i am not denying that at some points i myself am a hypocrite, heck i even contradict myself at times it makes me sick. yet these people who often take pride in putting us down, fuck them i say.

2 cents for my thoughts.

off to class. laters.

its startin

i suddenly realized how busy i'll be this semester, busy enough that i be as ragged as an old cloth by the end of it. heh well not literally. it struck me right smack on my bottom. literally. my comfy sleeping shorts finally gave in and was torn right on my right butt cheek. leaving a nice view of my boxers. no cheeky time for u bastards.

sob sob.

after almost 7 years, we now have to part ways my friend. you've been there when i was up and running not to mention the times i was down and getting some. from the first time i put you on at sogo, till last monday when u finally lost all your strength and tore. i shall cherish the thoughts of putting u on snuggly right after class and remembering the nights when i accidentally wet you with my childrens. sorry about that mate. oh the memories. u've done good my friend. i'll wear my next shorts up high in your memory. cheers~!

sniff sniff. just cant help it. oughh!

i finished reading sidney sheldon's 'are you afraid of the dark' novel in 2 days. like just after 2 days, its either i'm reading faster or the books just not thick enough for me. the books alright i guess, but i think it bore too much emotional describtion that i'd prefer. it made me feel sappy a few times. each time it does, i'm anticipating some gruesome murder or genocide. i think i might stay off sidney sheldon's for a while.

oh yea. after buying the book did i only found out that sidney sheldon is a HE. not a SHE. my bad. thehe. oh well!

-

registered for a jobstreet account last weekend, cus i have this mock interview thingie which i'm suppose to pretend that i'm actually in an interview. well its not just pretend, i'll be evaluated for it. thus, i actually had to write my own application letter and curriculum vitae. explains the previous post. ;D

did u know that its so friggin hard to find a well paying job?, i'll be graduating end of this semester with a HnD in Telecomm. and the only fucking job suitable for me so far is becoming an assistant engineer or a technician. which the estimated average wage is about 1200 - 1800. or so?

well it might look huge figure if ur living with ur parents, try living alone and paying for your own car or sumthing. i reckon u wont even have money anything else. so how the bloody fuck am i gonna get fucking married with that kinda money?

i'm getting married at 30. so fuck that issue.

so anyways, this mock-interview is actually under my english module and my english lecturer happens to be a fag. literally, wears pink tight shirt which shows a huge belly, female watches and wears a fucking diamond ring. my friends are now predicting my transition phase, which i play along saying that when i do, they'd be my first victims. since most of them are virgins. ahah.

thus, next class my fag of a lecturer is teaching fashion or dress etiquette for interviews. all of a suddenly i feel as though i'm in queer eye for the straight guy or sumthing. he specifically mentioned that if we dont dress properly, he'd comment and touch everything except those underneath. i'm thinking worst case scenario here. so on monday, suffieaee's putting on the best shit he's got. fucking fags. ew.

-

i went to see my project advisor yesterday, since i've only actually seen him once, when we needed someone to sign our project agreement. i reckoned he wouldnt remember jack shit. which turned out to be true. so we had to explain everything all over again. he noddenly slowly whilst absorbing every detail. finally he made a remark that simply demoralized both me and my friend.

'if it is that simple, why dont u just buy a remote controlled car and call it ur final project?'

[see's dreams of becoming engineer slowly crumbling down into shambles and slowly turning into dust]

he then told us to make the project bigger. he said that though the project might be simple but if we made our efforts clear. we'd still get a distinction. with his words repeating over and over in my head. i made a decision that if it takes every penny i have and months of sleepless nights. then so be it, as long as i get that friggin distinction.

thus, now ill have to travel to bangi for an appointment with an automotive lecturer. to learn some mechanical engineering and gain more info. i'm opting to make the body of the robot approximately 45cm x 30cm x 15cm. just the tyre's themselves are about 5' high and 4' thick. i'll be using a halogen bulb as the bumper lights. the design of body will be based on a apc/tank. if not, somewhat a smaller version of the batmobile in batman begins.

theres actually a working prototype of what i'm making. its more high tech. controlled via joystick connected to a pc and has sound output. the whole body and fabrication is totally custom made from a factory. you wouldnt believe the price for it.. that mother fucking shit costs RM40,000. yep fucking 40k.

i wonder how much i might sell mine for. ehhe.

im now reading jk rowlings latest, haeerrryy pottaahhhh. the sad wank with self issue's..

the signs

its a sign that your getting old when ;
everything you do its almost planned meticulously, spontaneity seems to be a thing of the pass.
without proper stretching your body seems weak and get injured easily.
your actually writing a resume and cv for work.
you've already felt the sad and depressing feeling of going to work everyday / morning
cant bloody run as fast as you used too without huffing or puffing like a chubby kid after chocolate.
friends start to mention about your grey hair.
money becomes the wheel of life.
starting to build an inferiority complex about having middle age crisis.

-

dey i feel old wei! fuck!

god damnit if i still dont act my age. fuck writing resume's and cv's man. its utter bollocks, ohh i long for more luxuries of studying again and again forevah and evah!

reasoning

enter saturday, the weekend.

past few days things have slowly began to unfold, i dont feel as depressive as i felt days before but the state is still there somewhere at the back of my mind. though my life has turned into such a monotone state lately, as the bad shit keeps on coming with nothing good even happeninig. i guess now i can actually see the bigger picture.

i dont believe if fucking karma. nor do i believe in fucking balance in life. cos life has plotted too many bruises and scars on me to know that life's never fair. so fuck being fair. but one thing i have always felt existed was, the reasoning of each action. or;

everything happens for a reason.

though are still few things which dont concur, which i believe only god would know why the bloody hell did that shit happened. i can see now the actual reason for a few things. u may call me names and curse my divine knowledge for superstitions, but this is what i reasoned so far on the latest happenings in my life..

-

nokia 6630.
as most of u fella's know that my new phone cant be used here in malaysia because it is fucking locked. though im not exactly pissed about it (only irritated at most times), its new features are so 'to love' about that, theres a very high possiblity that i'd bring it to college(the same place where i lost my phone last semester).

thus being that my room this semester is located on the ground floor. theres constantly people moving in and out of the room, not to mention u can just easily jump into the room through the window. not much on security ya might say. so since its locked. i wont be able to use it yet, giving me time to discover this disadvantage and possibly lessen the risk of losing another phone or another rm1k to be exact.

*phew!*

money.
my budget is on a short leash again, this time for ko pang ghan and also other things, like my final project and other stuff. its back to eating inconsistent daily meals and fasting. contrasting to the actual plans of me chomping everything down this semester, its back to the 'good' ol day.

no money easily means, no activity. no activity means less disturbance.
finally, no disturbance means excellent results!

haha. its bull i know, but hey whatever works!

i've just gotten a full view of whats to come in the next few months. sadly, i've now grown a slight inferiority complex towards the days of bumming after i graduate. i'll be working, thats a fact but the thought of going to work as an technician or some assistant engineer sometimes make my stomach queazy.

thats one thing. the other things is about me getting good fucking grades for this semester to ensure my ticket outta here and off to oversea's. currently i'm doing all i can to get my arse outta here and into any goddamn country. anywhere will do! uk, us, australia, russia! i'm open to all and am gonna fucking apply every fucken application form for studying abroad. goddamnit u might say i'm desperate to get the fuck outta here..

so i gotta fucken study. no pussying around no more. goddamnit if i become a nerd and never shag for another year! may the next lucky lady bear the load.

*unleash the dam!*


cisco.
im now taking 8 subjects, which is 1 more than the rest of my colleagues. cus i fucken failed a subject during my first semester, so the load for me is a tad bit extra. thing is, now my colleagues are asking me partake with them for part 1 of CISCO Networking Certificate. theres a total of 4 parts. so i'll be taking part 1 this semester. which means night classes, also more intuition fee's and not forgetting extra burden. i know i can juggle everything with just one hand if i actually wanted to. i just hope i dont suffer from depressive or crackdowns midway through doing all this shit.

plans are to take part 1 this semester, and finish off part 2,3,4 of the CISCO Networking Cert in a crash course of 2 months.

apparently, this certificate is highly regarded during job interviews and such..

makes u hate being an adult.

-

back to what i was saying about things happening for a reason.. for where i stand right now. if i did got together with j, she might be a distraction for me. my whole family and friends have barewitness that i crackdown easily when it comes to close relationships.

so theres one huge fucken sad ass reason.

but i still dont get why she couldnt call, nor text or even fucking send me a thank you text!

pfah!

shant think about it..

-

its already 6.40 am actually. i am seriously getting annoyed at this insomnia thingie. fucktwat brain, the fuck u waiting for fall asleep goddamit.

crap.

-

yesterday was my nieces 3rd birthday. had a nice lil family dinner at victoria station. my family has this ritual about going to victoria station. if we do go there, the only reason is cus we'll order sizzling steak. its such a family favorite, that we order that everytime we go there. its either victoria station for the sizzling steak or american chilli's for anything else.

so anyways, the place was quite empty. maybe cus its the middle of the month, most people either have already spent their money or their suffering as i am. i think they've already spent their money. bleh. over the times i've been there. the workers there kept on changing. previously you'd see chinese waiters. then it changed to foreign workers, from philipino's to [insert random asian country here].

well now their hiring malays. which i think is good, give those slackers some work for goodness sake. least their earning something. but the thing is about us malaysians. our pronounciation on words which we hardly use is abit 'off'. we tend to try our best to speak the word, though sounding really stupid when heard by others. as it becomes a habit, sometimes its a tad hilarious.
take this for instance;

i was about to exit victoria station, customary for the hostess[unknown ethnic with buckteeth] to say thanks and things like that.

so she did, she said 'thank you, come again'.

then she wanted to warn us to 'watch your step',

instead she mumbled something which came out sounding like 'baassket'.

......................... .... ... .

the hell do you mispronounce those two words. fuck their not even words. one of it is a fucking sentence.

-

well now, the suns about to come out and i'm still bloody wide awake. i think i shall now venture into a land of no sleep but dwelling thoughts about life.. theres always something new to discover. WEEE~!

depressive side kicking in.

its 9.30am. tuesday morning. the 2nd day of college, everything is back as normal. friends from all over have now officially jacked in and making havoc on campus. life is as it should be..

yet a darker side of me has also emerged lately, a side which was once very much dormant has arisen and slowly taking its toll on me. now being ever so strong, i'm unsure of what to make out of it. i've been resilient in the past and will do so till the end, yet at this moment it seems like i'm on the verge of capsize and about to lose the fight. it has always been there. time and again, agitating me again and again. forcing me to the corner of my mind and creating this dark and gloomy state. making me feel miserable and angst. yet i know everyone has felt this before in life but i fret that mine might be worst. i've pushed on so far, making the best of all situations handed to me. pushing aside everything and telling myself constantly that 'everythings in the mind'. but if the mind surrender's than everything is lost.

i ploy myself in dreams of my beloved parents to achieve life's goal. a goal which has been planted in me since small. 'study hard, earn a good job, get a wife, get kids and live a happy life.' thats what they said, looking at them with admiration. 'i'll try my best', i replied. but now, i can see part of me fulfilling half the goals. all but the last part. i toss and turn, rationalizing the facts and the past. looking for it in the back of my mind. it has to be there, somewhere there. a previous time, moment which i was or ever felt complete. but the facts are too compelling. there was hardly any.

'resilient i am.'

but for how long will this stand hold up?

the world doesnt revolve around me, nor does it ever stop to squint an eye when bad shit happens. so i question myself, a reason for me wanting so much to be accepted in this ever worthless seeming world. i have no problem socializing. so i am not an antisocial. i am as an open book which u can read and know about, heck even tell ur friends about.

the sudden big picture has slowly daunted, manifesting a not so bright path for me. thus, for now. even the 2nd goal seems a blur. i've searched and rationed for the most righteous path to follow, yet does any path seem right anymore these days. as even our world is so filled with corruption. even getting a scholarship includes corruption, what else getting a job or even anything else.

yes. i've been thinking for far too long. things of rational becomes unrational and pretty much shit becomes bigger shit when u do think too much. i'm doing this to search for my inner peace. which hasnt been there a long-long time. i feel agitated, frustrated, angst and deprived when i'm alone. i cannot sit alone in a room for more than 20 minutes without my mind going into limbo.

the constant heed of companionship amongst friends have helped me during times like this. but my social circle will soon shrink, as by end of this year my time here as a student will end. thus my lil family here will depart and i'll have only half the company. i rave to myself time and time again to keep contact with my current friends. yet, fact is we've all got our own separate paths.

im loosing my marbles. god help me.

its over.

my holidays are finally over.

after a whole month its all over. tomorrow classes will begin and my schedule cant get any more suckier. 8am till 5pm, totally packed. aieee.. back to the old life it is for me then .. classes, stress, projects, assignments, lack of sleep and finally lack o money. wooptidoodle doo!

i readied myself for tomorrow's whole day of class. i slept almost practically the whole day today. i hope its sufficient enough to hold me up tomorrow. heh.

-

thanks alot guys for giving me support.

she's now at the back of my mind and is gonna stay there. now my classes have started, i seriously doubt there'd be even time to reminiscence the past. a wasteful past.

laters yea.

heading off to college in 5.

never never

my nokia 6630 has now officially become an mp3 player. i've just uploaded a few songs and am loving it for its only feature currently. cus its still unlock, if not i'd love it even more. mwahmwah. my baby.

-

met up with krystal earlier on, she brought along her new toy. i mean, potential bf. haha. well kiddo, congrats finally ur back on the right track. the straight one. ;p had some small talks. he really looks like a nice chap, on my half. i'd say he's a good bargain. go for it and gudluck with telling jace. ahaha.

though i might not actually sound sincere, but i really am. if anything happens. girl u know u can always count on me to listen and give ya advice. even if its a really corny advice. hehe. least i try yea. i dont exactly have all the answers for everything. ;)

-

one thing i learned today was, never ever ever think that things cant get any worst than it is. it bloody hell can and when it does, u;'d be cursing ur breath why did u even think that. life's as unpredictable as hell.

i'm sorry if recent posts are all dull and whiney. but i'm currently at a stage in life where everything literally turns into shambles and what i used to think was possible now seems impossible. it used to be so fucking dull. now its shit. i'm not even sure which is worst. i so often have bad luck in relationships, its starting to really look like a trend. with my new discovered fear, fear of buying things for that significant other. yep. dont ask.

they say when theres always good in everything bad. the moment that good shit starts rolling in, i'll bring out the welcome wagon and toss confetti's all over. but for now. it looks so far from real, i'm starting to think that karma doesnt fucking exist. just a whole lotta bullshit that people say just to make themselves feel better about themselves. fucking optimistic bastards.

-

i was out in the afternoon at one utama to look around for new futsal shoe's with my mates. aj and wa. everything seems like an ordinary visit to one utama till i was browsing through the men's section of zara.

as i dictate my friends oppinion on a certain belt, my phone suddenly rang. caller id identified it as a annoynimous number. unsure i picked it up only to hear static then the call ended. my gut was saying somethings off. but i was too carried away with browsing for some new pants i didnt bother. halfway through browsing, i noticed this couple standing nearby looking at some tshirts. i carried on with my own browsing then started to move away.

halfway walking, my friend came up to me and said; 'dude its j.' being the blurass that i am, i looked a the direction my friend mentioned and couldnt understand why the hell did he say that the shirt that girl is holding is j.

i was blur. seriously.

it took me a few seconds to actually understand what my friend was saying. he was implying about the girl not the shirt. (blur. serious). 2 seconds later, i recognized the features and just got off to a fast stride towards the exit.

3 steps away from exiting zara and freedom.

wa called aj to stop. i turned back and stopped too. coincidentally an old friend of aj and wa was there and they started to talk. at that very moment. u can call it coincidence, but i call it fucking arse of a bad luck.

j and her bf walks towards the exit.

i just looked at her and didnt say a word nor made any expression what so ever.

she walked pass aj and said hie to him. then said hie to me, but didnt mention my name..

i gave a lazy nod and they walked out..

curse this bad luck! gah!

-

of all the times i've been to one utama. this has never happened. of all the times ive visited zara, no shit like this has ever happened. why the bloody fuck does it have to happen at this very moment.

shambles i tell u. bloody shambles.

everything would've been fine if she'd just fucking be honest with me about her feelings. everything would've been normal again if she'd just said things straight at the beginning. i'd be a lil richer if i'd knew what bad shit was instored for me. i'd ... i'd ..

-

i'd actually be alive again if everything went as i wanted it to.

fit as hell

yesterday;

insomnia sucks. but i woke up early anyways to do what i had planned for. suddenly my mom made some ruccuss about going out for breakfast. thus i had to wait till she gets back so i can use the car. she only got back at about 12. thus my plans for an early drop was schrewed.

at 12noon. i looked outside to check the weather. it was a tad gloomy but i decided to just go and get it done with. so i drove slowly to shah alam. doubts cloud my mind on the outcome of my drop but i was already on my way.

the drop;
i was already at the shah alam batu 3 toll and it still didnt rain. things were going well so far. alas, cursed this mouth for saying things a lil too early, i reached the first roundabout and it started to drip. by the second roundabout it was raining heavily. i wasnt sure if i should call it a day and just head home. drop it off some other day or something. rained at the last minute damnit. thats like the biggest omen ever! but then i felt that i couldnt bring myself to drive back here agian just for this. so i decided to wait it out. i parked nearby her house and waited for the rain to stop.

i sat there in the car, observing the surroundings. thinking about alotta shit. about me n her. about my future, my life.. everything. then u just have to give hitz fm a hand for their impeccable timing. each time i was a tad emo, songs which remind me of her kept playing.

suffieaee; already emo, listening to emo song, alone in the car outside of the girls house, its raining outside.

fucking hell. u cant bloody get any emo than that man!

it slowly drizzled.. and i just got out of my car and left the gift on her gate.

-
tis now, the next day. more than 24 hours have passed. i still havent received a thank u msg nor a sorry msg from her. u can just feel her appreciation towards me ey.

sigh.

-

played some footie in the evening. well for 30 minutes only.

*REMINDER; never overdo footie after not playing for almost a month.

i injured myself. pfft. before the game. WATTAHELL!

*puts hand over face.

why life's so fucked up

i feel stupid really, dumbfound, blurstruck, utter moron at times like these. but what else can i do. i know that j is already back together with her ex, but i already bought for her something. i've tried figuring out what else cud i do with the mask. its too a special gift that, the only who i can think deserves it is her.

so now, putting on a shameless face. tomorrow morning i'll drive down to shah alam and drop the gift at her house. sigh. together with a hatemail, i mean a letter from me. have a view.. sigh. fuck the world bitches. fuck all o you's!



with that. a letter from me.. i soo wanted to curse at her badly. but after taking few jab of morphine and amphetamines. i managed to calm myself and write sumthing less .. provocative.

here goes nothing..

hey j,
i bought this for you while i was away. i really hope you like it.
dont worry its not expensive. funny how i actuallyhad to box it
instead of handing it to you personally. i was really looking forward
to seeing you when i got back. but i guess u wouldnt say the same
about me. the sudden change really took me by suprise. it was the
last few things i'd expect to happen.but non the less it did and
honestly coming from you would've been alot better than me
finding out from A. but from that i guess it explains alot. what
you think of me and if there even wasan 'us'. even friends are
honest and trustable people. was i a thing for the moment?
i really hope not cus i really did enjoyed ur company, but i guess
the road stops here then.. as stubborn that i am, i really wanted you
to have this. it may not be much or nothing at all to you, but i really
felt like giving this gift to ya. a token for the 'moments' of friendship
we had. i nvrpictured it to be like this. alas who am i to determine things,
good luck and all the best in life..

-suff

and the word of the day is .. LOSER! together with the number... nope no number just LOSER!

leaving never-neverland.

bugger. its already saturday and the clocks now ticking down till my departure. time to come home. 3 weeks away from home. though the only thing i missed about malaysia is the companionship of my fellow friends. well that and also the food. cant wait to have a taste of some homecooked meals.

well,this time around tomorrow i'll be somewhere in langkawi for a small transit for an hour. by that time i guess i'd have to slowly come back to reality and face the music. gotta do some catching up with some friends. tis quite shitty to know that alot of things happen when ur away. heh. i hate missing things. damnit.

by monday morning 8am i'll be in college again to register for the new semester/final semester. i cant say i'm all for it, i assure u that the jetlag is gonna make me look an imbecile. i guess u could say that things happen for a reason. my results were so sucky, i'm ashamed of myself. i know that it wasnt my best performance. i'm much better than this. but i cant do anything about it now. i may have ruined my chance to study in the UK. still gotta strive for it. so next semester, i may as well put all the entertainment behind me for 6 months and get some friggin good results. mebbe thats the reason why j left me. perhaps?

heres a sad sad fact. tis shameful but reality sucks so fuck that.

i've been single for almost 2 years. yep 2 friggin years. i havent had a shag for 1 year. sad innit.

*covers face with hands*

another 6 months wont hurt rite/ haha. who the hell am i kidding. i'm deprived i tell you.. deprived.

shamelessly yours,

desperado suff.

thursday already?

time passes so fast and my tme in europe is almost up. i wouldnt call this trip one of the greatest i've ever had. nontheless, the experience is manificent. i'll probably miss the cold winds compared to malaysia's hot humid air. but m'sia is still me home for now, + i miss the lads back home. over here, theres no mamak sessions nor midnight drinks. theres only happy hour and getting wasted.

though my eyes still tingle in delight at the sight of europeans girls walking by. yet their difference in stature that they hardly even take notice of me makes it not worth while. arguably its quite a shock to know that asians or specifically pakistan's living in england think their more english than the white people themselves. i've bare witness a white girl getting scrutinized by a teen pakistani. my sister's comment was,'who else can they insult? their not gonna curse their own race.'

explains alot i guess. few days back while i was buying takeouts from a nearby shop. these group of highschool paki's were yelling out profanities and making a whole lotta noise. i looked out from inside the shop, only to be victim of the insult. i half expected them to be fighting to actually curse that much, alas they were actually just walking up and down the street making noises. reason being perhaps their just too bored with their lives?

its shameful to actually see this. yet what can i say, guess if ur born here. u'd pretty much be overwhelmed with patriotic value's. pffft. pride of england by paki's .. thats just utter cuntsy.

-

i've done most of my shopping, only left about 12 pounds left in me wallet. tis been good shopping, practically cant wait to get back to malaysia and wear everything. hahaha. time to be the bragbitch ey. yesterday i went to oxford street all by me self, cause my sisters being an arsed and she's sick. i search high and low for the supposedfly D&G belt my friend wanted. couldnt find it.

got to this store which sold almost every branded label there is, from levi's to quiksilver to evisu to watever posh shite u want. i made it a habit of only taking shirts which are less than 20 pounds, cus if u converted it thats about 140 ringgit.which is bloody alot for a shirt. so rack after rack, i've gotten about 7 shirts ere. went to the nearest fitting room, in the end i left the store empty handed. all the shirts i chose either had weird cutting or just big.

first time i felt it was hard to find shirts in my size.

Reality hit;
'You aint that BIG son, Get with it~!'

so after much walking about, i was tired and didnt know what to get for the day. i just couldnt come back home empty handed, i walked around the whole bloody damnit. so i had to choose, either to get an arsenal jersey or england jersey.

england it is.

why? cus overhere u can actually customize the international names. in malaysia, u could only customize epl names & numbering. so now i have a personalized england which is gonna be my trademark.. =) plus the lady was uberly nice, she gave me a discount of 3 pounds. haha.

i'll post up a picture of the new england jersey when im in msia.

-

went to highbury today, it was an extrodinare experience. i know u guys are gonna bitch abt it since i used to support manutd. but fact is, the first club i supported was actually arsenal. aint kidding. but cus i stopped watching/playing footie for 2 years. when i started again, so happen i supported manutd. no idea why. personally, might be cus i idolized beckham ;D

found out alot about the club which i never knew about. the passion of the club, their legacies and trophies. i finally found out how the club got their name 'arsenal' which im not gonna post up here. u haveto ask me personally to find that one out. heh.

the moment i was onthe pitch i was amazed at the quality of it. it was so green, the grass looked brilliant. felt as thought if the pitch was like this back home, i'd strive to play professionally too. heh.

did ya know that last time, before the introduction of blackboots, their boots were made from leather and wood? their studs were practically nailed on. nailed!. imagine playing in em when its raining. guess runnin itself would be an exercise then.heh.

anywys. bought somelil souvenirs to bring back .. great day. laters