depressive side kicking in.

its 9.30am. tuesday morning. the 2nd day of college, everything is back as normal. friends from all over have now officially jacked in and making havoc on campus. life is as it should be..

yet a darker side of me has also emerged lately, a side which was once very much dormant has arisen and slowly taking its toll on me. now being ever so strong, i'm unsure of what to make out of it. i've been resilient in the past and will do so till the end, yet at this moment it seems like i'm on the verge of capsize and about to lose the fight. it has always been there. time and again, agitating me again and again. forcing me to the corner of my mind and creating this dark and gloomy state. making me feel miserable and angst. yet i know everyone has felt this before in life but i fret that mine might be worst. i've pushed on so far, making the best of all situations handed to me. pushing aside everything and telling myself constantly that 'everythings in the mind'. but if the mind surrender's than everything is lost.

i ploy myself in dreams of my beloved parents to achieve life's goal. a goal which has been planted in me since small. 'study hard, earn a good job, get a wife, get kids and live a happy life.' thats what they said, looking at them with admiration. 'i'll try my best', i replied. but now, i can see part of me fulfilling half the goals. all but the last part. i toss and turn, rationalizing the facts and the past. looking for it in the back of my mind. it has to be there, somewhere there. a previous time, moment which i was or ever felt complete. but the facts are too compelling. there was hardly any.

'resilient i am.'

but for how long will this stand hold up?

the world doesnt revolve around me, nor does it ever stop to squint an eye when bad shit happens. so i question myself, a reason for me wanting so much to be accepted in this ever worthless seeming world. i have no problem socializing. so i am not an antisocial. i am as an open book which u can read and know about, heck even tell ur friends about.

the sudden big picture has slowly daunted, manifesting a not so bright path for me. thus, for now. even the 2nd goal seems a blur. i've searched and rationed for the most righteous path to follow, yet does any path seem right anymore these days. as even our world is so filled with corruption. even getting a scholarship includes corruption, what else getting a job or even anything else.

yes. i've been thinking for far too long. things of rational becomes unrational and pretty much shit becomes bigger shit when u do think too much. i'm doing this to search for my inner peace. which hasnt been there a long-long time. i feel agitated, frustrated, angst and deprived when i'm alone. i cannot sit alone in a room for more than 20 minutes without my mind going into limbo.

the constant heed of companionship amongst friends have helped me during times like this. but my social circle will soon shrink, as by end of this year my time here as a student will end. thus my lil family here will depart and i'll have only half the company. i rave to myself time and time again to keep contact with my current friends. yet, fact is we've all got our own separate paths.

im loosing my marbles. god help me.