bitterness

emptying all the contents of the leftovers boxers i found a dvd containing videos from seniors.

as i popped it in my laptop it contained graduation video's of the previous seniors whom all are now mostly working back in malaysia.

pretty faces of joy and laughter filled the atmostphere .. knowing that their path has converged into a new junction of their lives. the path of a working individual.

i wasnt around for my supposed graduation. knowing that it was too painful to bear.

fellow friends and colleageus alike all dawned in black robes with blue stripes in the most joyest of festives.

yet i was away.

i locked up my frail and unstable emotions. shielded by the faith and support of my parents.

i was not around to see her walk up the stage and be awarded her degree. eventhough at heart i knew it was one of the few significant moments in ones life. i closed the door to festivities. i locked it and sealed it tight.

remembering a few days later when all of whom published their momentus photo's on their social-network websites. i refused my curious hand, i didnt view their pictures. understanding my pain, she hid her photos of her celebration and did not mention anything about it.

the lowest of lows.

as she hid her dress which was tailored specifically for that occasion. i only saw it in her closet.

bitterness is what still fills me when i remember or stumble on video's or pictures like these.

i vowed not to go for my own graduation for my time of celebration has passed. why should i celebrate the final day of being unfairly treated ? to shake the hand of a person who know not of the sacrifices and heartache i've beared. whilst he smile at me and say congratulations.

nay.

i rather celebrate with the ones whom supported me most. ones who believe in me and not rob me blindly.

i could not stop the feeling of bitterness, for too many promises have been broken since.

a promise to return home.

a promise to work and contribute.

a promise to not slack up and let down the hopes of the ones you love.

today another promise was broken. as i felt distraught, i know that i was to be blamed and no one else. i was suppose to be back at home. i was suppose to be there.

so long as i still stay in this place, is it wrong for me to ridicule myself ? knowing my bruises will heal yet the scars will stay forever to remind me what not to do in life.

not to fail ever again.